Basically, I’ve been all but confirmed that my issue with launching ME3 is with Origin’s client being terrible and messing up something in its last update. I just need to wait for an update to the client.
Even in complete darkness, there is still hope.
Edit: Which basically means that the only thing keeping me away from video game is Origin’s shitty shitty coding. Have you ever heard of closed beta’s origin? Testing? Coding things well in the first place?